Conflict

I like how we are continuing to reiterate the importance of concentrating on the process of arguments and conflicts instead of being so strongly focused on the content or what we are arguing about. I feel that many people, myself included are very guilty of worrying about what it is that we are fighting about instead of examining the way in which we fight. I feel that many individuals who are in relationships often feel like their partner doesn't understand them and their feelings when it comes to things that they argue about. This may be a direct case of the way that they fight. Maybe in their arguments they are so busy yelling at each other that they don't spend the time to really listen to what the other person is saying. If they can learn to fight in a more calm manner maybe they will be able to really understand where their partner is coming from and find ways that they can negotiate about possible solutions to their conflict. In a professional situation I will make sure that I keep the idea of content and process in mind and really help couples figure out what it is in their process of conflict that is causing them to have so much trouble. By better understanding the way they fight I can help them find ways to better handle their conflict.

Conflict resolution was a great topic for me learn because after hearing the lecture, I realized I am usually guilty of focusing on the content, not the process.  The lecture was mostly focused on couples, but most of what Professor Hollist spoke about could be applied to relationships with friends, family, and many other people.  One thing that really made me think about was the role homeostasis plays in fights.  Once people establish the kind of fighting they use, that type of fighting will usually take place every time people fight.  For example, a couple might yell at each other, name call, or ignore each other.  It doesn't matter the style of fight, but its interesting that most couples will always fight the same way.  I wonder how hard it is to change the style of fights after so long?  The graph that was put on the projector came as a surprise for me, but it makes sense.  Every couple fights once in awhile and the intensity of fighting and the number of fights is not relevant AT ALL!  

I really enjoyed class the other day. I thought everything we did was interesting. I really loved the influences that we studied. That was very neat, and it was something knew I learned. I like the clips we watch. They really do make it alot easier for me to learn better. Finally I liked the decision making we watched. The whole class was interesting.

I thought that class on Tuesday was interesting. I thought that the 6 sources of influences was interesting. I didn't know that there are different sources of influences when it comes to marriage. I liked how we watched a clip from The Family Man and we had to point out which influence they were using. It really helped me understand it. I like when we have video clips to watch. They really do help me understand the topic better. Another part of the discussion that I liked was the types of decision making patterns. I thought it was really interesting and it was something new to me.

marriage and power

When we started to talk about marriage in class and the division of powers I automatically thought about my own family and how my parents handle all their stresses and power struggles. I guess for me I've never actually seen my parents have a fight more than arguing over some menial subject. They were always very loving towards each other and never got into any heated battles, which in society today can be very rare. My parents share a lot of the power, but all in all my father defers his power to my mother. My mother makes a lot of the money in our family, but my father is the solid ground we walk on. We have always been taught about authority and respect through my father's actions, but my mother would be the one we would go to if we had a question about whether we could or could not do anything. My mother has often said that if we ever wanted anything go to my father because if we could afford it he would give us kids the world. He does that now even if we can't afford what we want. My mother is the level headed person in the family who really wants us to be comfortable financially. My mother grew up in a lower income family with 6 kids. She was taught to work hard for everything she wanted. She had a job at 14 to pay for the catholic school she was told she had to go to. She worked all through college and became a very successful pharmacist. I really respect my mother and am blessed that she went through all of this just so she was sure she could give her kids the life she never had. My father was spoiled and got a lot of what he wanted being the first boy born into a family of 10 children. He let's my mother make the decisions I'm guessing because he's never had to really make a lot of the decisions in his life. He is a hard worker as a farmer and does his best to provide us with the life they want us to have. I see that they work together to get all us kids on the right path. They normally discuss the decisions they make before the final say, but my mother always seems to have a bigger say in the matter. They do agree on most things though and often meet in the middle which is why, in my opinion, they've been together over 30 years

power in marriage

When we started to talk about marriage in class and the division of powers I automatically thought about my own family and how my parents handle all their stresses and power struggles. I guess for me I've never actually seen my parents have a fight more than arguing over some menial subject. They were always very loving towards each other and never got into any heated battles, which in society today can be very rare. My parents share a lot of the power, but all in all my father defers his power to my mother. My mother makes a lot of the money in our family, but my father is the solid ground we walk on. We have always been taught about authority and respect through my father's actions, but my mother would be the one we would go to if we had a question about whether we could or could not do anything. My mother has often said that if we ever wanted anything go to my father because if we could afford it he would give us kids the world. He does that now even if we can't afford what we want. My mother is the level headed person in the family who really wants us to be comfortable financially. My mother grew up in a lower income family with 6 kids. She was taught to work hard for everything she wanted. She had a job at 14 to pay for the catholic school she was told she had to go to. She worked all through college and became a very successful pharmacist. I really respect my mother and am blessed that she went through all of this just so she was sure she could give her kids the life she never had. My father was spoiled and got a lot of what he wanted being the first boy born into a family of 10 children. He let's my mother make the decisions I'm guessing because he's never had to really make a lot of the decisions in his life. He is a hard worker as a farmer and does his best to provide us with the life they want us to have. I see that they work together to get all us kids on the right path. They normally discuss the decisions they make before the final say, but my mother always seems to have a bigger say in the matter. They do agree on most things though and often meet in the middle which is why, in my opinion, they've been together over 30 years

Power in Marriage

When we started to talk about marriage in class and the division of powers I automatically thought about my own family and how my parents handle all their stresses and power struggles. I guess for me I've never actually seen my parents have a fight more than arguing over some menial subject. They were always very loving towards each other and never got into any heated battles, which in society today can be very rare. My parents share a lot of the power, but all in all my father defers his power to my mother. My mother makes a lot of the money in our family, but my father is the solid ground we walk on. We have always been taught about authority and respect through my father's actions, but my mother would be the one we would go to if we had a question about whether we could or could not do anything. My mother has often said that if we ever wanted anything go to my father because if we could afford it he would give us kids the world. He does that now even if we can't afford what we want. My mother is the level headed person in the family who really wants us to be comfortable financially. My mother grew up in a lower income family with 6 kids. She was taught to work hard for everything she wanted. She had a job at 14 to pay for the catholic school she was told she had to go to. She worked all through college and became a very successful pharmacist. I really respect my mother and am blessed that she went through all of this just so she was sure she could give her kids the life she never had. My father was spoiled and got a lot of what he wanted being the first boy born into a family of 10 children. He let's my mother make the decisions I'm guessing because he's never had to really make a lot of the decisions in his life. He is a hard worker as a farmer and does his best to provide us with the life they want us to have. I see that they work together to get all us kids on the right path. They normally discuss the decisions they make before the final say, but my mother always seems to have a bigger say in the matter. They do agree on most things though and often meet in the middle which is why, in my opinion, they've been together over 30 years

The Principle of Least Interest

I found the theory of the principle of least interest very thought provoking. I began to consider my own relationship and find examples that verify this idea. One such example is with socializing. I am very much a social person. I enjoy spending time with large groups of people and like having as many people around as possible. The more the merrier. However, my boyfriend is intimidated by large groups. He would much rather be in a group of 3 or 4. This causes conflicts on weekend nights when we are deciding to go out. Since he is more hesitant and has less interest in hanging out with large groups he has more power when it comes to deciding whether or not we will. This also ties in with the six sources of influence we talked about. Since I opt out of the large group setting out of respect for him I would be using referent influence. Sometimes when I really want him to just take the plunge I use the reward influence like, “If we decide on going, then you get to decide when we leave, even if we are only there for 10 minutes.” This has been an ongoing conflict in our relationship. Although we enjoy spending time together, we decided that sometimes I will just have to go to the large social gatherings without him. However, I have noticed when I give him a heads up about wanting to go and allow him to think about it for a day or two he is more willing to go along than when it is more spontaneous. As I am continually learning about relationships in this course one thing seems to stick out, it is not the content that is important, it is the process. Conflict will arise, sometimes about a reoccurring issue and sometimes a completely new one. The most important aspect is how you deal with it.

Bases of Influence

I really enjoyed yesterdays discussion on power and it's bases of influence. Much of what was discussed would seem like an obvious thing once it's explained, but wasn't something I had thought of before in my own relationship. For example, the principle of least interest. After I thought about it that principle seems so dead on. It made me think about different instances where my boyfriend and I would just be debating what we would do for the night, and it always did seem like the person with the least interest had the greatest power over the situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, and I have to admit that we have most likely both displayed all six of the sources at one point or another. Although I would say that there are definately one or two that are displayed more consistantly than others.

Sexual Intimacy

I wanted to comment about our class discussion on sexual intimacy the week before spring break.  I really enjoyed class because it was the first time I have seen sexual intimacy presented in a respectful way in my college experience.  All of my other classes that have talked about sex made light of it.  They never seemed to address all the aspects of sex:  the physiological, psychological, spiritual, emotional, and social.  I've mainly heard the physiological with a little emotional and perhaps social; however, my beliefs tell me that there are more aspects to sex.  

Approaching sexual intimacy from this standpoint, that is that sex is comprised of 5 aspects, is important to professional development.  As we discussed in class, a professional must be aware of what aspect of sexual intimacy has been affected for a client.  For example, the psychological aspect must be carefully examined for a client who has been a victim of sexual assault.

As for my professional development, I want to always keep in mind the truth that there are five aspects to sex and that it is my responsibility as a parent to help my children understand those aspects.  We talked about this in class:  parents have to talk to their children about sex.  I wish I could say that I'm excited to teach them the truth about sex; however, anticipating the awkwardness of those talks makes me squirm thinking about it.  I know teaching my children about sex is important, and I believe that thinking now about how I'm going to answer their questions will ease the awkwardness and prepare me to share with them the truth.  

Decisions

I really liked the class lecture today about decisions in marriage. I particuarly liked how we looked closely at the six influences by looking at the examples from the movie. I see these examples in many of my roommates discussions with their own boyfriends. At this minute one of my roommates is actually on the phone having a discussion with her boyfriend about how they don't spend a lot of time together. He is on spring break now and she is using the legitimate influence on him telling him that he has to come down and see her. I also overheard another one of my roommates tell her boyfriend the other day that if he wanted to go to school out of state for grad school she would figure out a way to make it work so that she can go with him. She is using the Referent Influence in this situation for she is showing that she loves and respects him and supports his decision to go. I feel that understanding these influences will help me be better able to understand how decisions in relationships are made and in a professional setting will help me be able to help families deal with their problems at making effective decisions.

Power

Today in class we talked about how to balance out power within a marriage. I found that the six different influences were very true. Sometimes I don't think we realize how we find the need to take control of certain situations. I know in my relationship I tend to take control sometimes when I probably should not. This class really taught me how to realize when I am on a power trip and when it is healthy to take control. I also think how you approach different situations is extremely important. For example when I want something from my parents I usually try to mention the idea about a week before I actually ask the question. This way my parents are not taken aback when I ask them and sometimes they have taken some thought to the idea. This could also work within marriages when it comes to certain situations like job changes. I think that power is something a lot of people have a hard time controlling whether they realize it or not. Overall I think this class was extremely helpful and I am going to use the ideas within my own relationship as well.

I'm going to add yet another blog about our communication discussion. One question that really stood out to me was the question of why do men and women communicate differently? Immediately, I thought to myself that we communicate differently because we were made by God to compliment each other. I'm always afraid to express this viewpoint because it seems that religious views aren't seen as professional in an academic setting.

This message that I've received - that religious views are unprofessional - affects my professional development. My faith is incredibly important to me. In a professional setting, my faith will help me make moral and ethical decisions. I don't want to be afraid to tell my supervisor or boss that the reason I made a decision was because of my faith. How do I learn how to do this when the academic environment I'm in doesn't allow for that? Maybe it does...I just haven't been brave enough to speak up and see what will happen.

This is related to professional development in general because knowing your values and beliefs is an important part in being able to justify your actions. A professional must know how to explain to their supervisor or boss why they handled a situation in a certain way. Our background, beliefs, and values all factor into our reactions to different problems. Professionals must be aware of what part of their background, beliefs, and values affect how they make decisions and be able to communicate that to their superiors.

Gender Differences

Tuesday in class we discussed communication. One of the topics was gender differences. I found these general trends to be 100% correct in my own relationship. I complain about work a lot to my boyfriend. Whenever I do, its not because I want to quit or I want him to fix it. I just want to vent. However, when I start complaining my boyfriend always tells me to confront my boss about the situation or to talk to my supervisor, etc . Then I get frustrated because I just want him to listen to my story not tell me to talk to someone else about it. I know that half the things I say are just because I had a bad day or what not. Anyways now that I know the tendency to want to solve everything is more of a gender trait I am much more understanding. When I told him about this he responded, "Why didn't you just tell me you only wanted me to listen about your day?" I thought that was implied! I guess what I am trying to say is that just because something is a "gender quality" doesn't mean that it is an absolute. My boyfriend does not get off the hook about listening to me complain just because he is male! Just like I don't get away with expecting him to pick up on issues I don't explicitly address. As a professional I believe it is important to know that these gender trends do exist, but not to hold them as excusses for poor communication or as something that cannot be changed.

Communication is Constant

I was glad that we talked about communication the other day, because being a Comm Studies major, I have learned that it is something we do all the time but can always learn more about. In my Communications class right now, we have read about how communication is constant - through your words, actions, and nonverbals - even when you don't realize that you are communicating something to someone. As a professional working with families, especially parents, I think it is important to remind them of this fact. They are always communicating something with their children about their moods, their relationships, and their beliefs. It is important to keep this in mind so you are sending clear and consistent messages that your kids will certainly pick up on.

Communication

Communication was the topic Tuesday in class and it made me think of how many times my body language does not communicate how/what I am feeling! Ahh... There have been a few times where people wonder if I am sad or upset about something when in fact I am just fine.  I may be thinking about tasks I need to finish or personal issues that are running through my head, but it isn't that I'm sad or upset.  It was a great reminder for me to really pay attention to my body language and that I especially need to keep track of it while I'm teaching students.  If my body language sends off the message that I am not interested or excited to teach them something, then I can expect that in return they won't be excited or interested either.  Body language is key when teaching younger students and I am constantly reminded of this by my professors.  I can not allow myself to send off negative impressions to my students because this may hinder their participation, learning, and enjoyment of what they learn.  I also remind myself while teaching that I need to keep up positive communication through my verbal communication and body language...unless a child misbehaves, in which case I am not so happy and I change my positive communication to express their need to get back on task! : )

Communication

In class on Tuesday we talked about communication and I thought it was very interesting. One thing we talked about was basic communications principles. We talked about how the message sent is not always the message received. After we talked about it, it made me think of a game I played as a little kid called Telephone(maybe you have heard of it). That game shows that the original message sent is not always the message that comes out at the end. People may mis understand what you were saying so that's why the message got messed up or maybe they wanted to change the message on purpose. You never know.

I think communication is really important in relationships. Good communication is key. If you are having communications problems it might be hard to stay with that person. I think everyone needs to work on communication because that is one of the most important things in a relationship.

Body Language

In class on Tuesday we discussed communication and how it is used in relationships. I found the discussion to be very interesting especially when we were talking about body language. I thought it was particularly interesting the way that we can be saying one thing through our voice and be sending a completely different message with the way we are holding our body. I liked how Professor Hollist used the example of what he does when he is treating families in his practice and how through his own body language he can get the message across to someone who is off track of what they are supposed to be talking about. By folding his arms and signing Professor Hollist was able to show the teenage boy who he was treating that the topic he was discussing had nothing to do with the issue they were supposed to be tackling. I can see the way I use body language in my own life to get across that I am upset even if my voice is trying to cover it up. I feel that in a professional setting it is important to look at others’ body language to really be able to understand what they are trying to communicate.

Good Communication

After class today I was thinking about all of the ways my family has good and bad communication. I think personalities tend to get in the way of good communication. For example, in my family my sister is extremely sensitive while I am more sarcastic and like to joke around. That puts a toll on our communication because I think she is being ridiculous when she is so sensitive and she thinks I am being mean when I joke around. This is where you must be aware of your other family members and how they feel. I need to not joke around as much and she needs to understand that when I say things I am just joking around. There has to be a lot of give and take with families in order for them to be healthy.
During class we talked about cultural differences with communication. I find this very interesting. This is something we all have to understand and be aware of as our world becomes more and more globalized. I plan to study abroad in France and before going there I need to understand what kinds of body language is polite and respectful. These kinds of things affect every, even within families. Communication is everywhere and it is a necessity. That is why we all must learn how to communicate with all kinds of personalities and cultures.

mate selection

I am currently engaged to a man that I love dearly. During the last few classes when we discussed dating and finding your mate it made me look back and see what made me realize I was with the one I wanted to marry. We have been together for only 2 1/2 years, but I feel we have been together for way longer. We know so much about each other, yet there is still so much we still need to learn about each other. I feel that during our engagement we will be able to learn so much more about each other because we are now in a more committed and forever lasting relationship. I think I realized he was the one I wanted to be with when I could talk to him about things that went on in my childhood and he didn't look at me any different. He didn't try to change the subject or run away from me. He wanted to learn more about what I went through, and figure out what he could do so I didn't ever have to go through those things or feel that way again. He really is an amazing guy, and I'm glad I have him.

3 Types of Relationships

I really enjoyed the section on the different types of relationships. It really made me pay more attention to different movies or t.v shows involving people in various relationships. I found myself pointing out volatile people who were with conflict avoiders, and so on. I had really never put much thought into how different mismatches can effect the outcome of a relationship. One thing that I was not surprised about was that that are many couples that are happy even with both partners being more volatile characters. It actually seems very common in relationships these days. Some couples thrive on drama just to make their relationship interesting. I also think they like the whole fighting and then making up business.

Marital Functioning

There are both positive and negative reasons for marriage.  Everyone has their own reasoning of why they want to get married and what they want their marriage to be like.  John Gottman's theory is interesting because it deals with the type of individual people, not the couple as a whole.  He discussed issues with conflict and how different people go about dealing with it.  There were 3 different types: volatile, validating, and conflict-avoiding. It made me think about which one I would like to be in a relationship and how I would go about dealing with conflict.  If its possible to choose, I would want to be in the middle of those 3 types, ideally more validating.  Dealing with conflicts, calmly, I believe is the best way to deal with it.  Jumping to conclusions and creating drama does not solve any issues.  Making a marriage a success takes a lot of work from both individuals involved and keeping the conflict and issues to a minimum is key! 

marriages

I think sometimes thinking about getting married can sound really scary. This class is really helping see the reality of marriage and what all comes with it. At times I feel like I am expecting my marriage to be perfect and that we will never fight. In reality that is completely untrue. I think it is super important to think about the qualities that I want in a husband in order to have the best marriage possible. When we talked about abuse especially made see how important that is. Sometimes people think sarcasm and negative speaking can be funny and flirty. While others can take that really offensively. These are all things to look for in husband or wife. I think the healthy tests that we talked about are good ways to find out if that person has all of the qualities. I am really looking forward to talking more about marriage because it is something extremely important to know about in order to be happy in the future. It is also good to know so you can help your friends as they are going through the same process of dating and marriage. It will make me better equipped to be a wife and a friend.

Mate Selection

I thought the topic on Tuesday was really interesting. Talking about how people choose a mate made me really think about what I look for in a guy. When we started talking about "games" that people play to test whoever they are with, it made me think about what I do. I have been told that I play hard to get and I agree with those people. I don't want to be one of those girls who just dates whoever asks. I want to test whoever wants to date me. I don't want to play the destructive games. I don't think its right to start a fight just to see what the guys reaction is going to be. I hope we keep continue talking about dating and mate selections because I find it interesting.

Relationships and Engagements

I have been in a relationship with a girl for almost two years now. We are both juniors in college and are thinking about what we are going to do after our senior year. Because of this we are also discussing about our future together and if we think we are meant for each other. I have decided that I do want to be with her and will ask her to marry me next year and after discussing the changes that we should go through in class, it really made me think about the issues that we might not have talked about yet for when we take the FOCCUS test (I know she always told me she wanted to take one when she was engaged). We have already determined that we would be happy with 2-3 kids, we want to stay here in Nebraska or move to the coasts later, we are both family oriented and get along great with each others families. I'm just trying to think about what else there is that couples will deal when they their lives are mixed together cause I know that hundreds of other things will come up that we didn't even think about. I guess I will find out soon enough though granted she says yes (and from the sounds of it she will).

The Purpose of Engagement

What is the purpose of engagement?  To truly get to know the other person.  This is at least what I've found thus far in engagement.  My fiance and I know that we are committed to one another, and now all of our tendencies are roaring their ugly heads. I'm not afraid to say something about the little things that bothered me when we were dating (like how he chews his food really loud).  He's not afraid to call me out when I'm being irrational.  We both disagree a lot more than we did when we were dating, but it's good.  We're learning who the other person truly is (not that we didn't find that out during dating, but now it's on a deeper lever) and we're learning how we function and how we're going to function as a couple. 

Defining engagement is important in professional development because some couples may define engagement differently.  I think it's important, though, that all couples know (like discussed in class) that engagement is time to prepare for marriage.  It's a time to talk about different expectations and values.  It's a time to communicate on a deeper level.  

Defining engagement impacted me because once I stepped back and realized what engagement is about - learning about the other person and learning how we will function as a married couple - it doesn't make it so bad.  Instead of counting down the days until the wedding and complaining about all the planning that has yet to be done, I can live in the moment and appreciate this time of getting to know my fiance in a deeper way.  

Cohabitating Couples

I have been really interested by the information about cohabitation and what impacts that can have on a marriage. I thought it was surprising that living together before marriage didn't improve the chances of a marriage being successful, because I think we so often think of that as being a smart or responsible idea. I think that if someone were working with a couple, it would be good to keep that in mind, because it goes back to the idea of structure versus function. It is most important that couples work together on factors like communication and time together, instead of becoming too preoccupied with living arrangements.

Marriage Incentives

When reading chapter 6 I came across an interesting section about marriage incentives. The idea here is that children do better in a two parent family and that if we promote marriage and "reward" people who are married, more people will get married and stay married. What a quick fix to all the problems in our nation! Some states went so far as to pay married couples $100 a month to get married and stay married. This made me think about two things we have talked about this semester. First of all the structure vs. function debate. We have been told a thousand times that it is not what the family looks like single, two-parent, etc. it is how that family works. Structure does influence function, but it is not a determining factor. So the idea that children fair better with two parents is not necessarily true. Think about the children of parents who are still married but fight all the time. A second thing, what kind of people will be encouraged to get married for $100. Sorry for me personally that would not be enough. Second of all if your only reason to get married is to get that money chances are your marriage is not going to be that great...problems in marriage will still exist.
In my opinion the only way we can fix all these "problems" with married couples and single families is with education. We should spend more time and money teaching people how to deal with conflict, better choose mates, and raise a family and less money trying to get a quick fix which ultimately can lead to new problems.

The Game

I really enjoyed our class discussion today about mating. I particularly liked our discussion on constructive and destructive games that we tend to play in our relationships. I feel that so many of my friends tend to go down the destructive path in their game playing and I can totally see how these types of games have lead them to some really unhealthy relationships. I had one friend who is constantly picking fights with her boyfriend. She would yell at him on the phone and test him constantly in a way that she felt would let him prove his love to her. The only thing her little game did was cause them to have an extremely unhealthy relationship and made everyone around them feel very uncomfortable. In a professional setting I feel that my friend and her boyfriend need to discuss their personal needs and what each of them want out of the relationship. I feel that by opening up their communication in a positive way with out the yelling and bickering they can begin to build a strong relationship. However, they may also decide that the relationship is not working out and that their personal needs are not being met. In that case maybe the best thing to do is to put an end to that relationship.

Destructive Games

I never really realized some of the things that I've seen happen or have done myself were considered destructive games. It's really hard when your in a long relationship for those type of games not to be played at some point in every relationship. Like the "I don't care game" for example. This seems to occur with couples when they've reached the point that they are so frustrated that they just want their partner to shut up. I feel like these destructive games couples play have become very common in relationships. Obviously some couples tend to take the games too far, or the are playing them way too often. At times like this I would say it's a problem, but otherwise I look at these games as normal.